Tipperary drivers forced to cycle under new pilot project

Tipperary county has been selected for an exciting new carparking scheme, as fixed bicycle generators are soon to be introduced into public carparks in major towns across the county. The environmentally-friendly scheme is the latest ‘green’ measure for drivers, and will allow Premier residents to hold onto their svelte looks while saving money by forcing drivers to do 30 minutes on the bike in return for free parking.

A pilot scheme will see stationary bikes that are fixed with dynamos installed in selected carparks in Clonmel, Thurles, Nenagh, and Cashel. From this month on, drivers will be required to do half an hour in the saddle to offset their carbon footprint and to pay for their parking. As an added benefit, generators affixed to the bikes will power nearby public infrastructure like street lights and traffic lights.

The scheme is obligatory, but just 30 minutes of sweating will pay for four full hours of parking. The bikes are normal bikes with the wheels removed; they are instead stuck into the ground like an exercise bike. Plans show that the bikes will be in full public view, and will naturally be painted in the royal blue and gold.

A spokesperson for the scheme explained the rationale: “People are paying big money for weight-loss injections, and at the same time giving out about the price of parking. This kills two birds with one stone.

“These bikes will allow us to harness the wild energy of the Tipperary people. They’ll get their cardio exercise in, and we’ll literally keep the lights on. Obviously people will have to factor the 30 minutes in as they won’t be able to leave the carpark without doing the work on the bicycle, but we think people will get the hang of it quite quickly. They’ll be enthusiastic…eventually”.

Each carpark will have one trainer on-site to keep the cyclists in order, but drivers are reminded to bring their own towel for the sweat. Trainers will have megaphones too, to keep up morale.

If a driver is unable to cycle or unwilling, they can nominate someone to do it for them instead. Idle teenagers are recommended, but uncooperative husbands, contrary wives, and bold children are also suitable alternatives. The scheme is anticipated to come into effect this week, beginning Wednesday April 1.